Just My Speed

Journey

Jul 18

As I debated what to post here, I wondered, “How does one top a “Miracle Story?” 😂 Andrew and I have been processing our great news from June. Thank you so, so much for all of your sweet comments and replies! It truly feels like a big, warm hug across the internet. (And if we’re lucky enough to see each other in real life, we’ve shared real hugs!) With hugs and chats, I’ve also answered some common questions. So let’s start with some…

Frequently Asked Questions

Am I “In Remission?” Nope! Remember, that’s a status reserved for cancer patients in Stages 1-3. As a Stage 4 Thriver, I will never be classified “cured” or “in remission.” My best cast scenario is to earn the label, “No Evidence of Disease.” (N.E.D. Meaning there is no visible sign of cancer in my body.)

Sooo, am I N.E.D? To use Dr. Tan’s words, “…in scans!” 😜 I’m hoping we can celebrate a little louder after my PET Scan in September. I’m closer than I’ve ever been. Just waiting on a special scan to confirm it soon!

Is treatment over? Nope! Monthly infusions continue…forever? Looks like chemo, but notably does not feel like chemo. My only drugs are immunotherapy now. I’m still using my chest port, visit the same infusion center, see my oncologist every 4 weeks, etc. I continue to grow hair and feel stronger, which is really exciting. I still get tired easily, and have to pace myself, but generally feel pretty great!

Am I going back to teaching this year? I have to say that after the “remission” query, this one is the most popular! (haha) I do not think I’m ready to return as a classroom teacher right now. I’m ready for more of something, but teaching isn’t like going back to office, you know? In a perfect dream world, I could teach less than 20 kids, with a teaching assistant, and bathroom breaks, lessons and materials created for me, no sub plans to write on infusion days, and nobody would ever have the flu. 🙃 …and that’s just not how elementary school works. I’m still open to something part time, like maybe that tutoring option? Or another option I haven’t anticipated? Who knows! I am praying that God will continue to guide my steps and open the right doors for me at the right time. He will. ♥️

What else am I doing? Still working part time at church, helping wherever I’m needed. Writing my newsletter, taking care of my body with movement and sleep and nutritious food. Shuttling to random appointments each week. I also really love getting to cultivate our home. 🥰️ Our cozy little house is just enough for Andrew and I! Taking care of it truly makes me happy. It’s a privilege to bake, organize, or just be here, any day- not working around chemo side effects, work stress, or any other yuckiness that used to be a part of my life. These days feel like a vacation from what I’ve juggled for so long. What a gift!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming…

In my last post, I mentioned my meeting with Dr. England, about my neuropsych reevaluation. Well we did it! I completed another 3 hours of puzzles, memory tests, and sensory tasks. I remembered most of it from my first test back in 2021. I felt pretty relaxed because I knew what was going to happen, and thought it went well!

Dr. England explained that some of my scores really improved! My short term memory jumped about 20 percentile points. (Hey-yo!) I was disappointed to hear, though, that my processing speed is still low for my IQ- it barely moved from my last test. She said this was likely a result of my prolonged chemotherapy and Keppra. (My anti-seizure med’s) June 2021-September 2022 was a long time, and it just permanently slowed down the action up there. In general, I don’t really notice it. Situations like changing my order in a drive-through because they’re out of (fill in the blank), or learning the rules of a new board game, just take me a minute. My intelligence has always been something I’m proud of, and I know that my mind is still the good creation that God gave me. But like so many other parts of my body, my brain has taken a beating from cancer. I could go down a rabbit hole of “What If’s” and worries, mourning everything from the PhD I always wanted, to my hypothetical (however unlikely) Jeopardy appearance. 😂 And I just might. But, I’ll also take this opportunity to remember:

God is still taking care of me.
Healing can take a long time.
Never say never! I’ve come a long way!
There are so many things I still can and will do!
No matter what labels I think I have or lose, I am first and always a child of God.

And as I’m typing this, I’m so thankful! Isn’t it nice that my life is full of just-my-speed activities these days? Writing this post has no time limit, and I can edit it as much as I’d like! If planning our menu and grocery list takes an hour, I totally have the time. When I need to really focus on something, the biggest distraction is just a needy cat. 😂 I’m especially appreciative of these little blessings, because I’ve spent much of my life in overstimulating, stressful situations. #school How nice that I don’t have to do that today? God has surrounded me with gifts I have the margin to steward and notice and smile about. (Which is beautiful! I was being a cranky pants earlier today, but just typing that out lifted the fog in my heart. Thank you, God!) ♥️

This post is already very long, but I’ll leave you with a little tidbit. I attended She Speaks Conference for the first time last week. (online, but still great!) Proverbs 31 Ministries had such a great lineup of speakers, writers, etc and…I got to pitch a book idea to a publisher. 👀 There was an opening, my name was on a waitlist, and here we are! I have absolutely no clue how these meetings usually go, and this is all new territory to me, but I think it went well. She asked me to submit a full book proposal to her team and tell them we had talked. Soo, that’s good, right? 🤷‍♀️😂

I debated how much I should share about that, especially when it may not actually “go anywhere.” But I think it’s important to put it here, for you, if nowhere else. I so appreciate all the encouragement you have given me the past few years. If it were not for your loving words, I would never have started my newsletter or this super pretty grown up website! Each small action I take is a win. 😊 As Rebecca George says, “I take step after step toward the God-dream He has put in my heart.” Just rereading the CaringBridge, remembering His faithfulness and all the blessings I’ve experienced, and having another moment to say, “Thanks for that, God!” was time well spent. And if this publisher appointment simply created that opportunity for me, I’ll take it. ♥️ Another memory, just my speed.

I’ll keep you posted, friends!